Rules of Diving
* Don't take up diving to get a suntan.

* People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
* Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
* Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
* Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
* Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving or is a bad liar.
* Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
* People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
* Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
* Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
* Buddies are never where you need them to be.
* You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
* 60 minute camcorder batteries aren't

One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
*Acid
*Marijuana
*Black Russians
*Prosaic
*Sleeping Pills

How to avoid shark attacks:
* Never Leave Kansas
* Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
* Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
* Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy

You can spot divers by:
* Funny Tan Lines
* Big Watch
* Says "Huh" alot
* Bad shocks and springs in car
* Scars from trigger fish bites
* Expertise on anti-histamines

You can spot old time divers by:
* Funny Tan Lines
* Big Expensive Watch
* Old Jeep with bad shocks
* Log Book has volume number on cover
* Deaf in at least one ear
* Has multiple scars.
* Has cylinders older than you are
* Talks about making their first wet suit
* Dive gear is faded
* Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis

You can spot newbie divers by:
* Sunburned
* Timex Watch
* Nice car
* Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
* No diving related scars
* Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
* Equipment looks nice
* Perfect hearing

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