Joke 11

-----The Ultimate test for your Hokkien!!!!

Singalella why become rich

Koo char ooo chee-ay char bor kio Singalella. She got two sisters, but the stepmarder and the sister all damn kuai lan, so she quite chiar lat oso. Last time Singalella got own maid, but now she become the amah leh. Every day must cook lah, clean lah, simeek sai mah pao kah liao lor. If her sister say liak kar chuak she liak. If her marder say chiak kow sai she must chiak kow sai y'knor? Tak jit cho kah tau heen. CPF oso cannot smell.

But then ah, the kay piak eh ah pek got one son call Ah Ming got party so he say,"oeh, long chong keah." Singalella very happy because she never go party one but then ah her marder say, "You where can, this one only your sister got standard."

Then Singalella must cho sui for her sister and marder, tap pai how. That night she only can wave bye bye and then she go back to the kitchen and cook Maggi mee. Her neighbour came over and ask, "Eh, an chua boh kee yio?". So Singalella say, "I wan, but they say cannot, so boh pian." She never expect but the neighbour say, "Aiyah, go lah, I give you money."

So Singalella pang sai, brush teef and chang chui, after that look very different, quickly change and run to opposite, already 11 o clock leh. At the party Ah Ming also quite tired because the char bor all not happening. Dance floor even got one ah pek dancing.

Just when Ah Ming told himself,"aiyah see pay chiar lat" Singalella came in. Ah Ming straight away lau nuar. "Wah lau eh, see pay heng ah, chee kor buay pai." Ah Ming say to Singalella, "eh, sui eh, wah ai kah lee cho fliend!". Singalella say OK but Ah Ming was like octopus, forever touch here and there. But then just it was 12 o clock and one ah pek die on the dance floor. He become ghost and tell Singalella all the good 4D number.

So after that Singalella quickly go and buy 4D, and then tiok y'knor, eearrr chee pak ban, so she pay back the kay piak eh lau kay poh and then kah kee cho seng leek. Simeek kuan eh seng leek wah mana eh chai.

GAUGE YOUR COMMAND OF HOKKIEN...

1.Can understand the story and pronounce Hokkien correctly - Hokkien a-sai

2.Can understand half story and/or cannot pronounce Hokkien properly - chiar lat

3.Don't understand story and/or catch no ball - leow leow, mai ka lang kong you is Hokkien

4.Don't understand rating - kee see lah, wah mana eh chai leow.


Joke 12

Li Bai's Poem

The Chinese version

Chuan chien ming ye kuan
ti sia yi sang xuan
chi toa wang ming ye
ti toa sze ku xian

The full-blown version (in refined English)

The moon light is pouring down on my bedside
like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
and lower my head thinking of my dear hometown

--Li Bai

And here's the Singlish version #1

Bedfront Moon Bright Bright
Think is Floor White White
Lift Head see Moon Moon
Bow Head Miss Home Home....

-- Li Ah Beng

Singlish version #2

Bedfront see moon moon
think is one snow snow
lift head see moon-moon
head down think home-home

Li Bai (II)

Bedfront Orrr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think Think Go Pang Sai (go shit)
Look up in the sky
Poem is a waste of time

Latest Reservist Army version

Bedfront Lauuuuu Bark Sai (Tears drop)
Think Think have to go Excercise (Reservist mobilization)
Drop dead look into the sky (Run until no breathe)
Tong Call Sia Lang Chai (My heartache nobody knows)

-- Li Pang Sai


Joke 13


Observations of Singaporeans

-----Aren't Singporeans typically good at verbal shorthand?
-----Just look at the way we condense our sentences......

WHEN RETURNING A PAGE.....
INSTEAD OF "Hello, this is Joe, did anyone page for me?
SINGAPOREANS simply call up and demand "hello, who page?!"

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE.....
INSTEAD OF "I really don't recall you giving me the money."
SINGAPOREANS simply spread their hands and say "Where got?"

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
INSTEAD OF "I'd prefer not to do that if you don't mind.."
SINGAPOREANS simply frown and say "Doe waaan" (don't want)

WHEN DECIDING ON A PLAN OF ACTION....
INSTEAD OF "What do you propose we do now that the movies are sold out?"
SINGAPOREANS simply look blur and say "So how?"

WHEN ENTERTAINING.....
INSTEAD OF "Please make yourselves at home."
SINGAPOREANS simply steer people towards the food and say "Mai keh ki leh."

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION.....
INSTEAD OF "Excuse me, but would it be possible for me to take this chair?"
SINGAPOREANS simply point at the chair and say "Can or not?!"

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY....
INSTEAD OF "Hey, put your wallet away, the drinks's on me."
SINGAPOREANS simply give a frowned smile and say "Nonid..." (no need)

WHEN SOMEONE IS IN YOUR WAY....
INSTEAD OF "Excuse me, I'd like to get by, would you please move a little aside?"
SINGAPOREANS simply look down and say "SKIUS!!"

also see Joke 41


Joke 14

Corporate Hokkien

BUZZ WORDS

The will to lead - ngeh ngeh lai
Pendulum - see suah lai/luan chu lai
Partial inclusion - ai jip buay jip
Self-esteem - lin pay/lin lau hia
Reductionism - kiew kah liau
Expansionism - ju lai ju tua
Problem-centred - kow pay kow boo
Neutralisation - chap siow
Dedicated - pah see buay chow
Single cause thinking - kia tit lor
Part-whole dilemma - cho larng chin kang kor

MANAGEMENT STYLE

Deserter - chiak chua
Missionary - kay po
Autocrat - see pay kwai lan
Compromiser - kia su / si mi mah eh sai
Bureaucrat - see pay ngeau
Developer - mm chai see
Benevolent autocrat - kwai lan
Executive - pao kah liao

VALUES

Theoretical - kay kiang
Economic - tan chiak
Political - hai see larng
Social - hiao
Religious - pak buay see
Aesthetic - chee ko


Joke 15

AH BENGS, AH LIANS AND JAW-GA-FEE (GEOGRAPHY)

-----Yo Dudes

-----Enjoy learning geographical terms according to the
-----kings and queens of obiang-ness and the epitome of
-----irony (the Ah Bengs and Ah Lians lah)...
-----and you tot you had enuff from the Sunday Times...

-----KIT! (i.e. Keep In Touch)

-----P.S. For those of you who dun geddit, it's time to
-----oil your brains and check out your Geog text!

1. WAVE-CUT PLATFORMS:

A streamlined, raised shoe, re-hauled from the 70s
and currently seen on the feet of Far-East-lians.

"Ooei, Annie, have you seen my new WAVE-CUT PLATFORMS?
Cool, right?"

2. BLOWHOLE:

A swear word, pre-requisite to the word "BLOODY".
May be subtituted with "POTHOLE".

"You blah-dy BLOWHOLE! Bwei hiaow bai ah!"

3. ROCK BAND:

A rock band, found in sedimentary rock.

"The Smashing Pumpkins are the grooviest ROCK BAND
in the world!"

4. GORGES:

A term to describe someone/something who is stunningly
beautiful.

"That guy is GORGES!!"

-----*hahaha*...What a moroness!

5. GEO:

Derived from a Hokkien term. Used to describe a
pretty girl who has style and attitude. Used in
conjunction with the word, "BU".

"Waaah...That ger is a GEO BU man!"

6. SPIT:

An ejaculation of saliva. Past tense, "SPAT."

"Ptooi!" Ah Beng SPAT out his "chuing gam".

7. BEACH:

A derogatory term used to describe a disliked female.

-----*hahaha*

"That Bee Lian is such a bradee BEACH, maan."

8. CORAL:

To bicker.

-----double Beng

Said an Ah Lian to another, "That ger tiao me, want to
CORAL is it?"

Can also be used in conjunction with "REEF".

-----super Beng

Said an Ah Lian to another, "That ger tiao me, want to
CORAL REEF me ah?"

9. TOMBOLO:

The next day.

"The Geogafee exam TOMBOLO, is it?"

10. GROYNE:

A part of the male anatomy.

Eg. As a bid to increase the scenic beauty of the coast,
the authorities erected a few GROYNE along it.

11. DAM:

A swearword to express disgust/dismay.

"DAM it, lah. I call her go Zouk but she dun wan."

12. PLATEAU (mispronounced as platoo):

An adornment on the skin, used since ancient tribal times
to show machismo and courage among males.

"Ooei, Cheef, you got PLATEAU or not? Let me see lehh ..."

13. VALLEY:

Extremely.

"That Versachee bwelt, VALLEY nais ah!"

14. RAPIDS:

Cute furry animals with long ears.

Ah Lian, upon entering pet store: "AY!!!! See the RAPID so
kewte!!"

15. THERMOMETER:

To meet her the next day.

"Angela say THERMOMETER at Taka, six o'crock."

16. LATITUDE:

Demeanour and disposition.

"Wah biang! She really got LATITUDE plobrem, man!"

17. CIRRUS:

Are you absolutely certain?

After being told that his Chief was expelled from school,
Ah Beng asked disbelievingly, "CIRRUS or not?? Dun bruff lah!"

18. CANOPY:

Impossible.

-----*haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

"He bought new handphone, ah? CANOPY! Last week
just bought one leh!"

19. RIDGE:

To describe wealth.

"You so RIDGE can buy Roccobahrocco ah?"

-----...and you tot they had no inkling of geographical terms!
-----*hiaks* (read: sarcasm)


Joke 16


EVERYONE IS READY TO PAY (ST 4/4/98)

FINALLY, Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) started this week after months
of preparation and publicity.

Not surprisingly, Singaporeans have had a field day calling it all
sorts of names.

One irate Newsline caller says ERP stands for Everyday Rob People,
while a taxi-driver adds that the system is an electronic crocodile.

Yet another motorist reckons ERP means Extra Revenue Programme, under
which motorists suffer from Everlasting Rude Pricing.

Despite all that -- hold your breath -- Everyone is Ready to Pay!

And in radio deejay Joe Augustin's stand-up comedy act this week, he
wondered at the Land Transport Authority's assurance that the In-vehicle
Unit (IU) can withstand crashes of more than 120 kmh.

Most motorists, he said, would probably not survive the crash: "You're
dead, but your IU still goes on." Some comfort!

E-rror found
R-ectify it
P-roblem fixed

E-at first
R-elax a while
P-ay later

E-xtremely
R-eprehensible
P-ricing

E-very
R-esident
P-ays

E-xtremely
R-ecommended
P-ricing

E-xpressway
R-obbery
P-ermit

How does a motorist burp when he's passing through the gantry?
Errrrp! Errrrp! Errrrp!


Joke 17

The Ah Beng Medical Dictionary

ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
GENES: blue denim slacks
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SECRETION: hiding anything
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited


Joke 18

The Haze Will Go On" (Love Theme from "The Asthmatic")

Every night in my dreams
I smell you, I see you
That is how I know you go on
Far across the islands,
The longkangs, the oil spills
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe I must lock up my door
Once more I close my window
But then still you're in my house
And my flu goes on and on...
They can tell us one time
And two times one lifetime
That it'll never come back at all
Truth was when I walked out
And turned on the radio
All these times I've been a moron
Near, far, wherever you are
Visits to the clinic more and more
Once more, try to stay indoors
And don't exert yourself
Just sleep and eat forever-more...

(Flute interval, followed by orchestral climax)

You're here, there's nothing I Fear!
Now I know I'll stop jogging in the morn'
We'll stay, forever this way
And I'll stay with my belly
My flu still go on and on....

Fat Wong


Joke 19

How the name "Singapore" came about

When Raffles sailed up the Singapore River for the first time,
a Malay lady was bathing in the river. Having left her clothes
on the river bank. A Singh came by and stole her clothes. The
upset lady started shouting after him, "Singh kaypoh, Singh kaypoh!"


Joke 20

Singaporean Titanic

On board the SS Star cruise...

One eventful nite, Jack Wong(JW) was sleeping on deck as he forgot
to bring the keys. He was awoken by heavy thumping scurrying across
the ship deck "thump thump thump..."

JW, "Wat the @#0 was that??"

Just as he stood up, a black "plump" figure wiff across him and
brought with it a horrible sweat-filled stench.

JW, "Wah piang! wat the @#0ing smell man?"

As what a typical kaypo Singaporean would do, JW hurried up to see
what the hell was happening.

The plump figure was crying by the railings...

JW asked, "Why you clying?"

PLUMP gal, "Why you asked?"

JW, "Ermmm, wan to know why lor? Wats yur lame (name) huh?"

PLUMP gal, "Lose Tan" (Rose actually but due to the heavy Singaporean
slang, she couldn't pronounce it correctly)

she continued, "Yur lame leh ?"

JW (proudly), "Jack Wong. Eeveryone calls me Jacky. Wat u wan to do here?"

Rose, "I failed my 'O' levels. I dun wan to live anymore."

JW, "Cheh! I failed 3 times already ah! Eh, u swur u wanna jump ah?
The water down there damn cold one leh."

Rose, "Zhun boh?"

JW, "More zhun than "Beh Peow" leh. Dun believe jump lah."

JW moved closer...

Rose, "Dun come any closer. I jump ah!"

JW, "U jump I jump lor."

But Lose didn't have the guts to do so.

And therefore a soon to be romance blossomed among the 2.

Lose Tan and Jack Wong.

Stay tuned for the next exciting sequel of SS Star cruise!

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