WARNING: Some of these jokes may be offensive or even racist.
There have been visitors since 14 May 1996.
Page 2 Jokes No 21-40
Joke 21
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3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they
will be shot at while they ran 100 metres. If they survived after that
they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a
Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!
They started to ran like they never did before. At the 80 metre mark,
the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically
shouted, "Long live the Queen" and died.
At 90 metres, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted,
"Banzai" and died.
Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m... ... Bang!
He, too, was shot down.
Before he died, he shouted "KAYU LAH!!" One metre also no discount!"
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Joke 22
*******
One day, God sent three politicians, Clinton, Ghandi and Mahatir
to Heaven by mistake. So he told them, "I've sent the three of you
here too early. You aren't suppose to die yet. Therefore, I'm
going to send you back down and before that, you can ask me a
question that you want to know about."
So, Clinton asked "When is America going to become big and busy
and rich?"
God answered, "Another 50 years."
Clinton wept and threw a tantrum.
God asked him his reason for his behaviour and Clinton said, "I'm
afraid I don't have that long a life to see that."
Next, Ghandi asked, "When is India going to be big and busy and
rich?"
God answered, "Another 100 years." Ghandi reacted as Clinton did
and gave the same reason for acting that way.
Lastly, Mahatir asked, "When is Malaysia going to be big and busy and rich?"
This time, God wept.
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Joke 23
*******
BOS-SINI
========
Mahahtir is having his 2 months leave in Europe. Only 2 days have
passed. His personal secretary called him frantically "Prime Minister,
Prime Minister, you better COME HOME SOON!!!, Acting Prime Minister
Datuk Seri Anwar has been going to the shopping mall buying up all
the shirts from HUGO BOSS shop, wearing the T shirt with the big
BOSS logo everywhere."
Mahathir calmly reply , "Do not worry, I can always go across to
the other shop and buy a few BOS-SINI shirt."
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Joke 24
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KIASU (K.S.)
============
-----An insight into the philosophy of K.S.,
-----vividly describes the "SINGAPOREAN" culture...
A - Always must win
B - Borrow but never return
C - Cheap is good
D - Don't trust anyone
E - Everything also must grab!
F - Free! Free! Free!
G - Grab first talk later
H - Help yourself to everything
I - I first, I want, I everything
J - Jump queue
K - Keep coming back for more
L - Look for discount
M - Must not lose face
N - Never mind what they think
O - Outdo everyone you know
P - Pay only when necessary
Q - Quit while you are ahead
R - Rushing and pushing wins the race
S - Sample are always welcome
T - Take but don't give
U - Unless it's free forget it
V - Vow to be number one
W - Winner takes it All! All! All!
X - X'tra = More
Y - Yell if necessary to get what you want
Z - Zebras are kiasu because they want to be black and
white at the same time
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Joke 25
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Who is your father's son?
=========================
Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient
and corrupt that he decided to call on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how
he managed to have such an efficient and uncorruptable cabinet.
On hearing Mahathir's woes, PM Goh said, "Simple, Mahathir, I choose
able men for my cabinet."
Mahathir asked, "Yes, but how do you know that they are able?"
PM Goh replied, "Just ask them simple questions to test their
intelligence, don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate
to you."
Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to him, "Hey
Tony, come over here." Tony obediently walked briskly over.
PM Goh asked, "Tell me, Tony, who is your father's son ?"
Tony Tan immediately replied, "Me! Of course."
PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, "See, all my ministers can
answer this question. Why don't you go back and try." Mahathir
thank PM Goh and left.
Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy,
and shot the question at him, "Tell me, Anwar, who is your father's
son ?"
Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After
a while, he recovered and said, "Boss, let me find out and I'll
tell you tomorrow."
Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give
a good answer tomorrow. Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his
boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer
from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning,
he decided to call Bill Clinton for help. Surely the most powerful
person in the world must know the answer.
When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, "Hello, Bill, can I ask
you a question?"
Clinton, very busy, replied, "Alright, but it better be good !"
Anwar quickly asked, "Tell me, Bill, who is your father's son ?"
Clinton was fuming, "Of course it's me, you stupid !" and he slammed
the phone down.
Satisfied that he's got the answer, he confidently walked into
Mahathir's office and said, "Boss, I've got the answer to your
question."
Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, "So tell me
quick, who is your father's son, Anwar ?"
Anwar confidently replied, "It's BILL CLINTON !"
Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, "No you stupid,
it's TONY TAN !"
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Joke 26
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Beng's 'sorry'
==============
Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the
manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind is shouting
"Not this man!!"
Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng.
So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the
words I gave you, then maybe I will give you a chance!
The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple,
Black".
Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go
green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said
Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number.
Don't Purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?
You kena sai." No further questions. He got the job.
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Joke 27
*******
'THE NAME IS BOND...' (ST 4/4/98)
=====================
THE James Bond series of movies showing on television these weeks have
inspired the wags to come up with a new spin to his famous
self-introduction, with an eye on recent events.
Cue the James Bond theme. In walks the impeccably dressed secret agent
in his white dinner jacket.
A sexy woman sidles up to him, her eyes suggesting a midnight
tete-a-tete.
He buys her a drink.
In a husky voice she says invitingly: "Thank you, mister...?'
Our man replies: "The name is Bond... Bond Breaker."
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Joke 28
*******
Mr. Singh and Mr. Singh, two friends not noted for their depth of
intellectual aptitude, were applying for a visa to visit their
relatives in the town of London Transport, England. The first
Mr. Singh was interviewed by the officer in charge.
"Well, Mr. Singh, all we need to know is whether you have the
mental resources to survive your trip to London", he said,
demonstrating his cultural understanding of the applicant.
"Let's see, now - if I poke you with this pencil in your left
eye, what will happen?
"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir".
"Very good, Mr. Singh. Now, if I poke you with the pencil in
your right eye, what will happen?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to
see anything at all."
"Well, Mr. Singh, you've passed with flying colours.
Enjoy your trip."
Mr. Singh then rejoined Mr. Singh in the waiting room, and
described his experience.
"It was being very easy, Mr. Singh. That very nice officer Sahib
ask you two questions, and you are answering only "I'll be blinded
in my left, eye, sir", and then "I'll be blinded in my right eye,
sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all", and then you
are getting the visa straight away."
So the second, and slightly more comprehension-impaired Mr. Singh,
went into the interview room. The officer took the same approach:
"What would happen if I took these scissors and cut off your left
ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir".
"Hmmm. What would happen if I cut off your your right ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to
see anything at all."
The officer was a little perplexed by these answers. "Now Mr.
Singh, I find your answers very difficult to understand. How could
it be that cutting off your ears would have anything to do with
your eyesight?"
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear - I should be explaining myself.
If you cut off my left ear, my turban will fall down on the left side
and cover my left eye and I'll be blinded in one eye. And then if
you cut off my right ear, my turban will also be falling down on the
right side and I'll be blinded in my right eye and I won't be able
to be seeing anything at all!"
Mr. Singh got his visa...
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Joke 29
*******
One day, Ah Choy & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when
they saw something in their path.
"Wait!" cried Ah Choy. "Wat is lat ho..?"
"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng. "Wat is it?"
They approached the thing and looked at it very closely.
"Eee.. look like shit lah!" say Ah Choy
"Hmmm..smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep
breathe.
Ah Choy then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger
to his lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!"
Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his
tongue to lick. With confident, he said, "Confirm is shit!"
Then they smiled at each other, "Wah! lucky we didn't step on it."
________________________________________________________________
Joke 30
*******
Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as
this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations
that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take
orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have
brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and
drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began
spreading out his own home-cooked meal.
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who
was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of
India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started
feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!"replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to
the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a
loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
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Joke 31
*******
One day, one Mat Salleh from USA arrived in Subang Airport. After
he checked out from the Custom, he felt that he wanted to go to
the toilet, so he looked for a toilet. When he found the toilet,
there was an old lady sitting in front of the toilet.
When he was about to enter the toilet, the old lady stopped him
and said forty cents in Cantonese (Say Kok), the Mat Salleh just
wonder why in Malaysia, they have to "see the cock" (forty cents
in Cantonese) before entering the toilet.
So he said "No", but the old lady insisted. Since he got no choice,
he took out his cock and showed to her. The old lady said "no, no,
no, Duit, Duit" (money in Malay) but the Mat Salleh misunderstood
again because he thought she said "DO IT, DO IT"
So, he asked "NOW, HERE?"
The old lady just reply "YES, YES" because she does not understand
English.
The Mat Salleh thought she agreed to have sex with him, so he strip
up the old lady and make love to her, but the old lady was screaming
and said "SAKIT, SAKIT" (pain in Malay) and again he thought is
"suck it, suck it" so he said "OK, I will suck it for you" and take
the breast and sucked.
The old lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, My God!... in Malay).
The Mat Salleh misunderstood again. "Too HARD, OK sweet heart, I will
be gentle a bit, OK?" the Mat Salleh replied.
Suddenly the Security Office walked by, and the old lady was asking
for help, "TOLONG, TOLONG, ENCIK." (Help, Help...in Malay). But on
the other hand, the Mat Salleh replied "Not too long, just about 6
inches only."
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Joke 32
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Tai-chi
=======
In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached
the level even the boss also could do little to ask him to do
anything. One day, in a meeting there was this action item that
was supposed to be carried out by the tai-chi king. He, of course
tried to tai-chi it away and this time to the production manager.
Somehow the production manager was able to turn the table back to
tai-chi king and finally tai-chi king had to do it - for the first
time in company's history.
Everybody was surprised tai-chi king's tai-chi did not work this
time. They asked the production manager, what was his secret.
He said, "Recently I discovered I like mee siam very much.
So when he tai-chi, me 'siam'."
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Joke 33
*******
Yesterday
=========
Here's a very cool song which I'm sure Mahatir is singing in privacy:
(Sung to the tune of the Beatle's Yesterday)
Yesterday, all my Soros seem so far away
Now I know that they are here to stay
Oh, I believe in Yesterday
Suddenly, I'm not half the worth I used to be,
There's a foreign haze hanging over me,
Oh, I believe in Yesterday
Why did the Ringgit go, I don't know
It wouldn't say
I said something wrong,
Now I have to pay for Yesterday . . .
Yesterday, punting was such an easy game to play
Now I have to run and hide in shame
Oh, how I long for Yesterday
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Joke 34
*******
When Mahathir was visiting Singapore, PM Goh though he'd show the
M'sian Premier Singapore's Telecommunication capabilities. As the
M'sian entourage was touring SingTel's corporate HQ, being shown
all it's new telecom technology, Dr. M noticed a strange telephone
sitting in one corner of the room. Walking over, he found the phone
glowed dark red, and had weird occultic symbols where numbers ought
to be. He turned to ask the SingTel representative what it was.
The rep stiffened momentarily, then answered, "It's a hotline to
hell, Dr Mahathir."
Curious, Dr M wanted to give it a try. Picking up the handset,
he heard a rumbling demonic voice, "Please deposit S$10,000 for the
first minute."
When Dr. M returned home, he called up the Minister responsible for
telecommunications and told him of his discovery.
The minister then said, "Oh, we have that too, sir. We just don't
like to talk about it."
"Let me see it." said Dr. M.
So the minister brought Dr M. to see the phone. Sure enough, there
was the same deep red phone with the symbols. Picking up the phone,
he heard the same demonic voice announce, "Please deposit 50sen for
the first minute."
Surprised, Dr M. asked the minister why the call was so cheap compared
to Singapore.
"Oh, here it's a local call."
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Joke 35
*******
During the ASEAN meeting, all PM of the ASEAN countries were present
except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY.
During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with
a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with a initial investment of
M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call
Money Mind."
Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: "I am going to start a car manufacturing
plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will
generate $50 RP million a year. Isn't that smarter."
LKY of Singapore was no impress and say, "I told my Land Transport
Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy a old printing machine and also made
SGD$50 million a year."
Everybody was taken aback and asks "What the fuck can you do with just
SGD$500 only ?"
And LKY replied "I use the machine to print COE !!!"
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Joke 36
*******
Count Money, Singapore
======================
We have a revision of pay tomorrow>
Just relase, just release
We have a poorer Singapore
We won't receive, we won't receive
You and me we have to part
With our CPF for a start
We have to show the world that we take less money
We won't receive, we won't receive
There is nothing down the road that we can look for
We were told to dream that we could never try for
There's a spirit in the air
That seventh month feelings we all share
We're goona build a better after-life for you and me
We were deceived, we were deceived
Count money, Singapore
count on me to give my salary and more
You and me
We'll do our part, give our kindeys and hearts
We're gonna show the world how to GIRO our Body
We can't resist, we can't resist
Count money, Singapore
Count money, Singapore
Count on me to give my life and more
Count money, Singapore
We can resist together Singapore
Vote wisely eight years more
We can resist together Singapore
Vote wisely wight years more
We can resist together Singapore
Count on me to give my vote and more
Together Singapore, Singapore
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Joke 37
*******
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final
examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the
window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well.
His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, "it says
here, 'Answer the following questions in BRIEF'.".
________________________________________________________________
Joke 38
*******
The MP was making his rounds through the Sembawang kampung area.
In Ah Chye's kampung house, the MP noticed a pig with a wooden leg
hobbling about.
"Excuse me," the MP said to ah Chye,"but why does that pig have a
wooden leg?"
"Oh, it's like this,sir... one night a robber entered our household,
tied all of us up, stole our jewellery and was about to escape when
the pig came out of nowhere, attacked the robber and saved us all."
"Oh, I see," said the MP uncertainly, "but I still don't understand.
Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Oh, it's like this, sir... There was a fire when we were all out to
the cinema at Chong Pang. The pig alerted our neighbours, ran arround
organising a water bucket system and helped the firemen put out the
fire."
The MP was getting quite frustrated. "Listen, Mr Chye, That is all
very interesting, but I still don't understand wy the pig has a wooden
leg."
"Oh, it's like this, sir..." Ah Chye said. "We used to have an old
well. One day, our little daughter fell down the well. The pig jumped
in, saved our girl, covered the well with planks and we never had that
trouble again."
The MP shouted, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Why does that damn pig have a
wooden leg?"
Ah Chye appeared absolutely unfazed. "Well, you know," he said finally,
"with a pig that good, how can you eat it all at once..."
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Joke 39
*******
M y D on't N o T(ang) alk
A ssets E ver A lcohol L(iang) oudly
H alved V ote for I H(ong) or
A fter A nother R esign
T he N air L et's
H it K ill
I n Y ou
R inggit
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Joke 40
*******
How 995 came about
==================
One night, when in bed, Mrs Nair woke up smelling some smoke
in the house. Curious and scared, she woke up and checked the
whole house.
To her horror, she found that the kitchen was on fire.
Panicking, she ran to her husband, who was still sleeping in
the bedroom upstairs, to inform him of the situation.
She shook him several times and screamed, "NAIR (Nine-9) NAIR
(Nine-9) FIRE (Five-5)!"
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