WARNING: Some of these jokes may be offensive or even racist.
There have been visitors since 14 May 1996.
Page 3 Jokes No 41-60
Joke 41
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Singaporeans speak better English
=================================
-----The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot
-----use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just
-----compare these few common phrases that Singaporeans and Britons
-----use to say the same thing:
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater
you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I
can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me
a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make
way?
S'poreans: Lai, siam! or Siam, hor! or Skius!
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
S'poreans: No-nid. (no need)
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for
me to enter through this door?
S'poreans: (while pointing at door) Can or not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to
the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would
only take a moment.
S'poreans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot
liao!
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
S'poreans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
S'poreans: Where got? When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
S'poreans: Doe-waaaan. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold
out and all the restaurants are closed?
S'poreans: So how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where
you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with
what you said.
S'poreans: Le siow, ah? (you mad, ah?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm
trying to concentrate over here.
S'poreans: Mai kao beh kao bu, lah!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time.
Do I know you?
S'poreans: Kua si mi?
see Page 1 Joke 13
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Joke 42
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
===================================
Tang Liang Hong: The chicken crossed the road because it was
running for its life from a gang of vultures.
Philip Yeo: The chickens have a MORAL responsibility to
cross the road. If they don't, we'll name them.
Lee Kuan Yew: Every chicken should be given the opportunity
to realise its full potential to cross the road. The brightest
chickens should lead.
Dr Richard Hu: DON'T PANIC. We'll monitor the situation and
start worrying if the chickens get run down while crossing
the road.
Admiral Teo Chee Hean: We have put in the necessary
infrastructure and will teach the chickens to think for
themselves so that they cross the road in the most effective
way.
Mah Bow Tan: The chickens must pay before they use the
roads. Preferably, they should buy a LTC (License To Cross)
for each trip.
BG George Yeo: In this age of information and technology, it
is inevitable that the chickens get to cross the road.
and the American perspective...
Bill Clinton: I've met so many chicks. I can't remember...
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Joke 43
*******
Acronymns
=========
SIA - Suffer in Agony
MAS - Must always suffer
CAAC (Civil Aviation Adminstration of China)
- China Airlines Always crash
PAL (Philippines Airlines)
- Plane Always Late
ALITALIA (Italian Airlines)
- Always Late in Take off and Late in Arrival
- Always Late in Take offs and Landings if Any
TAP (Portugese Airline) - Take Another Plane
SAF (Singapore Armed Forces) - Serve and Forget
NAVY - Never Always Volunteer Yourself
OETI (Ordnance Engineering Training Institute)
- Only Eat Talk and Idle
WITS (Work Improvement Teams)
- Waste Individual Time Session
- We Idle Together Session
DHL - Delivery Halfway Lost
JTC (Jurong Town Council)- Jokers Training Centre
YMCA - You may come again
MARLBORO - Man Always Respect Lady Because Of Romance Only
AIDS - All In Defence of Singapore
NATO - No Action Talk Only
MBBS ("Medicinae Baccalaureus" - Bachelor Of Medicine)
- Mouth Big, Brain Small
NUS (National University of Singapore) - Never Use Sense
- Not Up to Standards
- Nothing Up Stairs
NTU (Nanyang Technological University) - Ninja Turtle University
NUSSU (NUS Student Union) - No Use, So Screw Up
BATA (shoe store) - Buy and Throw Away
Ph.D - Permanent Head Damage
- Premature Health Deficit
DUNHILL - Do Undress Nicely, Hope It Lasts Longer
EDB (Economic Development Board) - Enough, Don't Bluff
PUB (Public Utilities Board) - Pay Until Broke
MRTC (Mass Rapid Transit Company) - More Road Tax Coming
SBS (S'pore Bus Service) - Super Blur Sotong
- Screwedup and Bad Service
TCS (Television Corporation of Spore) - Talk Cock Station
SDU (Social Development Unit) - Single, Desperate and Ugly
- Sexually Depressed and Unwanted
GST (Goods and Services tax) - Government Salary Tax
COE (Cetificate of Entitlement) - Si kor yi
PSI (air quality measurement) - Please Stay Indoors
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Joke 44
*******
From the Home Office in Chiangmai, Thailand, here's the Top Ten List.
Top Ten Pet Peeves of Transvestite Kick-Boxers
==============================================
-----It made it to the front page, sensational transvestite Thai
-----kick-boxer. Won the match too. It can't be easy being a lady-boy
-----and kick ass. He has complains. Stripping for the weigh-in was the
-----least of it. Here now are the top ten pet peeves of transvestite
-----kick-boxers.
Heeeeeere we go,
#10 Fingernails can't be seen under those boxing gloves.
#9 Some opponents are too handsome to hit.
#8 Not considered an ECA for admission to Universities in Singapore.
#7 During off season have carry sacks of rice to earn living.
#6 Can't wear high heels in the ring.
#5 Official still won't allow mini-skirts instead of shorts.
#4 Opponents who try to date you after the match.
#3 Hate it when a big fight clashes with a beauty pageant.
#2 No ladies rest room for the boxers.
And (drum roll)... the number one pet peeve of transvestite kick-boxers...
Opponents who say you hit like a girl.
Cue music, "Hit me with your best shot" - Pat Benatar
Source: Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh
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Joke 45
*******
From the Home Office at Caldecott Broadcast Centre, here's the Top Ten
List.
Top Ten Reasons why TCS stars are quitting
==========================================
-----Do we really want to know? We do? Okay.
Heeeeeere we go,
#10 "Most Powerful Dude on TV" title already taken.
#9 "Have to wake up so early to do AM Singapore, and people still
complain you have no personality. Well let them try to have a
personality at 6.30 in the morning! Now where's my damn coffee!"
#8 Can't have own talk show because TV12 didn't bring in any other talk
show for TCS to copy.
#7 Have to crossover to TCS8, learn Mandarin and get criticised for bad
pronunciation.
#6 People just kept talking about your boob job, and how your nipples
show on TV.
#5 Audience obviously unfamiliar with the Sylvester Stallone School of
Minimalist Acting you have mastered, and keep insisting that you
show emotions when acting.
#4 If you can sell TCS storylines and plots believably, you might as
well sell insurance and make more money.
#3 TCS rejected your idea for a Titanic Fantasy episode with PCK as
Jack, and Rosie as Rose. Star cruises also declined sponsorship.
#2 Sick of the bickering between Zoe and Fann.
And (drum roll)... the number one reason why TCS stars are quitting...
What's the point? Jamie and Vernetta are hitched.
Cue music, "Fame"
Source: Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh
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Joke 46
*******
The Ascent of Ah Beng
=====================
A Darwinian Evolution
=====================
Click on the picture to see a clearer image
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Joke 47
*******
From the Home Office at Times House, here's the Top Ten List.
Top Ten new features of new-look Straits Times
==============================================
-----You might have heard, the Straits Times is coming out with
-----a new look, a cleaner look. Better paper, better ink. Same
-----crappy news. Go figure. Anyway, the new look was introduced
-----to a select few at a preview. This is what they found out...
Heeeeeeere we go,
#10 Paper soft enough to use as toilet paper.
#9 Super-absorbent quality can absorb up to 5 times its weight
in pet pee.
#8 Less useful as an emergency umbrella.
#7 Comfortable enough to line the inside of your bra, and
cheaper than those push-up bras.
#6 Microscopic pores of the newspaper make for a fine respirator
to filter out the haze.
#5 Great as starter for barbeque fires.
#4 No so good as fly swatter now, as paper is too soft.
#3 When folded into a hat, special fibres in the paper can
deflect evil alien mind-control theta waves.
#2 Built-in spell-and-accuracy-checker ensures that there will
never be another "What it should have been" column.
And (drum roll)... the number one feature in the new-look Straits Time...
Fish wrapped in it stays fresh longer.
Cue music, "Read 'em and weep".
Source: Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh
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Joke 48
*******
From the Home Office in Pinewood Studios, here's the Top Ten List.
Top Ten Reasons why Scholars are breaking their bonds
=====================================================
-----If you've got what it takes, break free. Bondage is just too
-----kinky. Make love, not bonds. Top ten reasons to break that
-----bond.
Heeeeeere we go,
#10 Found out that NCB and the entire civil service uses Windows,
and he's a Mac user.
#9 Decided that he wanted to pursue his dream as a transvestite
kick-boxer.
#8 Suddenly realised -- he'll be one of those hated civil
servants.
#7 Couldn't get posting to BFC and watch all those uncensored
films.
#6 Heard that top civil servants will get pay cut.
#5 Currently making good money in the evenings going "The Full
Monty".
#4 After three years overseas, realised that he can no longer
understand Singlish.
#3 Found hot Ang Mo babe that digs Asian men.
#2 Wanted a few years off to go find himself.
And (drum roll)... the number one reason those scholars are breaking
their bonds...
Wanted to test out Singtel's Global Roaming on his new handphone.
Cue music, "Born free".
Source: Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh
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Joke 49
*******
From the Home Office at Lucky Plaza Taxi Stand, here's the Top Ten List.
Top Ten Pet Peeves of Taxi Drivers
==================================
-----We complain about them. We complain to them. And they complain
-----to us. What bugs them the most?
Heeeeere we go,
#10 Passengers who keep talking about the other time when they
took a Mercedes taxi and how much more comfortable it is
compared to this dingy old Nissan.
#9 Sexy lady traffic cops with attitude.
#8 People who want to get home by midnight... what do they
think? This cab turns into a pumpkin at midnight?
#7 Passengers who pick, no, excavate their nose, digging and
scraping, and then cleaning their finger on the seat.
#6 Stuffy London Cab drivers who think that they are better
than other cabbies.
#5 Long-haired, pale-faced lady in flowing white robes who
flag them down at midnight and ask to be taken to someplace
in Old Holland Road.
#4 Slutty women passengers in revealing dresses who flaunt
their assets and then call you a dirty old man when you pay
too much attention.
#3 Memorising all those surcharges.
#2 Back seat drivers.
And (drum roll)... the number one pet peeve of taxi drivers
Shameless PR dept of Taxi Co-operative who takes credit for the good
deeds of their taxi drivers.
Cue music, "Nothing's gonna stop us now".
Source: Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh
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Joke 50
*******
From the Home Office in Busang, here's the Top Ten List.
Top Ten Economic Reforms IMF wants to see for Indonesia
=======================================================
-----The whole region is tense. Indonesia is on the brink.
-----IMF, the International Meddlers Federation, wants Indonesia
-----to stick to the reforms agreed upon as part of the economic
-----rescue package. What's in the deal, here's the list.
Heeeeeeere we go,
#10 Demote all those generals to brigadier-generals and save a
bundle on their salaries.
#9 Open up gold mining scam industry to more efficient foreign
management.
#8 Merge all those small subsistence farmers engaged in slash
and burn agriculture into big conglomerates which can
devastate the forests and jungles more efficiently.
#7 Peg Rupiah to PSI index.
#6 Invest in cloning technology and ensure that Suharto will
always be the president of Indonesia.
#5 As part of austerity measures, recycle vice-presidents instead
of getting a new one every election.
#4 Next time Bill Clinton calls, don't accept the collect call.
#3 Redundant fishermen to be retrained as search and recover
personnel.
#2 Institute tax concessions that would make Indonesia the 1-900-
phonesex capital of the world.
And (drum roll)... the number one economic reform IMF wants Indonesia
to implement...
Sell Certificates of Entitlement to burn forests.
Cue music "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" - Meatloaf
Source: Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh
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Joke 51
*******
How to eat chicken rice
=======================
Method 1:
1. Place some rice on the spoon.
2. Dip chicken liberally in Soya sauce and place it on rice.
3. Place chili sauce and ginger sauce onto chicken before eating.
Method 2:
Dip chicken in Soya sauce and place it on bowl of rice. Add chili
and ginger sauce to the chicken, mix with some rice and eat with
the spoon.
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Joke 52
*******
Sub-culture - Why the submarines are a good idea?
=================================================
-----The Republic of Singapore Navy owns four second-hand submarines.
-----The first was bought in 1995 at a Swedish garage sale. The remaining
-----three, also from Sweden, were acquired at similar rock-bottom prices
-----last year. Although it will be sometime yet before the four undersea
-----crafts make their way to local waters-all are still in Sweden-
-----anticipation of their arrival is building up on the Net.
Naval Procurement Department
To: Head of Budget-Approval Section
Subject: Reasons for buying four submarines
#9 They were on sale!
#8 don't need COE, ALS, RPS, ERP or ugly looking in-vehicle unit.
#7 Great way to aviod the haze.
#6 Won't get caught in causeway and second-link jams.
#5 It will be the closest thing to a sub-culture in Singapore.
#4 Can smuggle flour, cooking oil, sugar, pirated VCDs and other
contrabands from JB.
#3 Supplement defence budget by recovering golf balls in the water
around Sentosa's golf course.
#2 Great excuse for single naval officers to meet hot Swedish women
while submarine-training in Sweden.
#1 Satisfy any big-shot Rear-Admiral's fantasies about torpedoing
rubber-duckies in a bath-tub (as seen in Navy's latest TV recruitment
advert).
Source: Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh and The Web Singapore (March 1998)
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Joke 53
*******
What is E.M.A.S?
================
-----They're big, black high-tech-looking and they're supposed to flash
-----important messages to road users when fully operational in some months.
-----However, in the meantime, Net surfers have come up with so many other
-----mistaken expalanations for the Expressway Monitoring & Advisory System.
Here are our favourite:
1 Expressway Monitoring is a Scam
2 Expensive "Mah-Piew-Po" Alternative System
3 Extra Marital Affairs Scoreboard
4 Excessive Micro-management by Authorities of Singapore
5 Emergency Mobilisation Announcement System
6 Efforts to Misdirect the Average Singaporean
7 Enormous Mistake by Arrogant Statesman
8 Endless Manufacturing of Acronyms for Singapore
9 EMAS spelt backwards is SAME, as in "traffic conditions will remain
the SAME"
10 Electronic Message Announcing System
11 Extra Money Anyhow Spend
see Page 1 Joke 16
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Joke 54
*******
Some names to avoid naming your children
========================================
Monica Cheng (in Hokkien) - touching your buttocks
Michael Tan (in Cantonese) - selling eggs
Tommy Huang (in Mandarin) - Tang Ming Huang : Ming Dynasty's emperor
Lucy Liaw (in Hokkien) - You are dead
Judy Soo (in Malay) - Lost in Gamble
Paul Chan (in Mandarin) - bankrupt
Nelson Tan (in Mandarin) - bird laying eggs
Jason Tan (in Mandarin) - bluff people laying eggs
Nelson Chong (in Mandarin) - worms infested bird
Moon Lan Ding...........A great achievement of the American space
program
Gun Pao Der.............An ancient Chinese invention
Lin Ching...............An illegal execution
Hia Yu..................Greeting
Wai So Dim..............Are you trying to save electricity?
Shai Gai................Bashful person
Lo Fing.................Being nonproductive
Wa Shing Kah............Cleaning an automobile
Si Ling Fan.............Device to keep you cool
Jan Ne Ka Sun...........Former late night talk show host
Ar U Wun Tu.............Gay liberation greeting
Lao Ze Sho..............Gilligan's Island
Chin Tu Fat.............Have you considered a face lift?
Wai Go Nao..............How about staying a while?
Ai Bang Mai Ni..........I bumped into the coffee table
Wai Hang Mi.............I do not deserve the death penalty
Ai No Pei...............I have a press pass
Yu Bai Tu Hai...........I see you are not doing well in the stock
market
Hao Long Wei Ting.......Inquiry to determine if bus is due
No Wei Ding.............Keep out of pond
Ne Ahn..................Lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Lei Tsho................Midnight television program
Jah Kee Pin Ching.......My underwear is too tight
Sum Ting Wong...........Not everything is right here
Lao Zi..................Not very good
Wai Yu Kum Nao..........Our meeting was for next Thursday
Wan Bum Lung............Person with tuberculosis
Tai Ne Bae Be...........Premature infant
No Bai Dam Ting.........Prices are too high here
Lei Lo..................Remain out of sight
Ten Ding Ba.............Serving drinks to people
Tai Ne Po Ne............Small horse
Dum Gai.................Stupid fellow
Wai U Shao Ting.........There is no reason to raise your voice
Hia Dei Kum.............They are approaching
No Pah King.............Tow-away zone
Hu Yu Hai Ding..........We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugutive
Yu Zhu Lee Wong.........Weather forecaster
Hu Flung Dung...........Which one of you fertilized the field?
Wai Yu Mun Ching........You're blowing your diet
Shu Man Go..............Your body odour is offensive
Yu Mai Te Tan...........Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
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Joke 55
*******
Ah Beng turns "lomantic"
========================
To Ah Lian
Your beautiful face no fight,
Silky hair everybody like,
Your horse figure no horse run,
Big big eyes, small small mouth, cannot tahan,
one word, marry wife follow wife, marry cat follow cat,
You go there, I go there.
If you are the moon, I'm the star beside u.
If u are a flower, I'm the leave of ur flower,
when you exercise, I'm your sweat at the armpit,
If you are shit, I'm the fly,
When you are bathing, I'm the soap,
To sky mountain sea corner,
You are my woman this lifetime.
from Ah Beng
________________________________________________________________
Joke 56
*******
Cellular phone
==============
Since 1-April-97, competition has been very keen in Singapore's
cellular phone market due to the new entrant M1. Before that,
there was only one operator, that's why no one covers more of
Singapore than Singtel Mobile, absolutely no one.
AMPS was the first system that Singtel launched, an Ageing Mobile
Phone System. After that they realised that the system is outdated
and they put up another system ETACS which the subcribers were not
very happy about because it was Extremely Tough to Access Call System.
Then came the 2nd generation cellular technologies, which Singtel was
working with Ericsson to implement - GSM. After some time, Singtel
found that things are Getting Slightly Messy, so they decided it was
time to go into 3rd generation technology, PCN. However it is a very
Poor Coverage Network and everytime subsciber wants to make a call,
they Phui Chao Nua because they can't get thru.
So Singtel decides to rename PCN to the GSM1800 Network, or Get Some
More Idiotic Bums Onto Our Network.
M1 initially also use GSM and they learned from Singtel's experience
that GSM is not so good either, so M1 goes for CDMA, after several
delays in the official launching, M1 knows that this so-called
advanced system Can't Do Much Anyway.
________________________________________________________________
Joke 57
*******
From the Home Office at Jurong Island, here's the Top Ten List.
Top Ten Quotes by Philip Yeo
============================
-----Apparently when the Chief of the EDB invites you to tea, you might
-----just get involved in a storm in an EDB cup. So who is this Philip
-----Yeo anyway? Man or Monster? Civil Servant or Uncivil Servant? Let
-----him speak for himself, here we have quotes from him.
Heeeeere we go,
#10 "Every year, get some guy, stand him against the wall, and de-pants
him. You can be sure the rest will pull up their socks."
#9 "I believe in investing in people rather than machines. Which would
you rather have ten good bodyguards, or a bullet proof car?"
#8 "The only good bond-breaker I've met, is a dead bond-breaker."
#7 "Hire the best. Fire the rest."
#6 "The government will not re-hire those bond-breakers. They have a
better chance getting elected as an MP."
#5 "If TCS has a scholarship scheme years ago, we won't be seeing the
likes of 'Shiver', 'Tonight With Gurmit' or 'Three Rooms'."
#4 "Fire the procrastinators tomorrow."
#3 "Those three dudes just got their Fame Awards early. What're they
complaining about?"
#2 "I want scholars who are Arnold Schwarzenegger types... but not when
they say 'Hasta la vista, baby'."
And (drum roll)... the number one quotable quote from Philip Yeo...
"I think I need bigger shoes."
Cue music, "Jump!" - Van Halen.
(c) Copyright World Wide Sarong
Source: Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh
________________________________________________________________
Joke 58
*******
Q: How many Singaporeans does it take to change a light bulb?
1) 100. One to change it and 99 to whine about why the government
ain't doing nothing about it.
2) None, the Government says it's getting brighter so there is no
reason to change.
3) It depends. Is the light bulb in an opposition ward?
4) None, Singaporeans pay foreigners to change our light bulbs.
5) None, when the light bulb goes, Singaporeans buy a new lamp.
6) None, Singaporeans don't change light bulbs, they move to another
room with a working light bulb.
7) I don't know - will this question come out in an exam?
________________________________________________________________
Joke 59
*******
Q: You know you've been *IN* Singapore too long when you...
1) Become a compulsive reader of the Straits Times.
2) Go to Orchard Road or Boat Quay at least once a week.
3) Stay home just to watch TCS and believe that's where
everything happens.
4) Forgot how to blow a bubble or chew gum the proper way.
5) You are afraid to cross the road when the light is red and
there is no car in sight.
6) Lost the concept of North, South, East and West.
7) HDB flats start to look beautiful and majestic.
8) Start to add One, Lah and Meh to the end of your sentences.
9) Keep going to Malaysia (or just out of S'pore) on weekend.
10) Want your X-file season finale (and maybe MTV) !!
11) Actually think Singapore is number one in the world.
Ole..Ole..Ole...
________________________________________________________________
Joke 60
*******
Q: You know you've been *OUT* of Singapore too long when you...
1) have a higher phone bill than your monthly income.
2) make plans to celebrate christmas there.
3) are looking in soc for chicken-rice recipes.
4) start having problems to speak in dialect.
5) saw your X-file finale over 10 times & think MTV is
actually boring.
6) think SEX on TV is NO big deal.
7) think all chinese food should taste sweet.
8) think all european chinese restaurants are *GREAT*
9) think japanese cars are in fact OK.
10) actually think Singapore is number one in the world.
Ole..Ole..Ole...
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